So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
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