Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
