No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
