I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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