I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
