im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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