im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
And then my night got REAL pukey
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
