Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize