we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
