today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Randomize
