i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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