Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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