The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
