Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
