If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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