if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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