No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
