I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
