Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
