i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
