he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize