and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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