my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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