if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
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