I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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