Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
