So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
