I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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