Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
