i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
