Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
