Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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