I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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