she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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