he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
