A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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