Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
