ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
