I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
