You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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