the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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