I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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