Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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