i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
