i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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