I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
