Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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