So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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