Got a toothbrush?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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