moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
