just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize