I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
