So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
