Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
