I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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